Salvation or Apocalypse?
May. 21st, 2003 09:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aruruOkay, so I have this sudden need to LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW that I have a very, VERY regular period. It's like clockwork - it even has a regular hour of the day to show up in. When it's either a bit early or a bit late, the most it takes is usually way less than a week. (I would also boast that I rarely cramp, and even then it is not too painful, but that would earn me the hatred of several of my dear friends.)
It has been way longer than a week late. In fact, it is well on its way to two.
This has never happened before, so you can imagine I'm perplexed by this.
And I can say in all honesty that I have never, ever had sex (and other people can attest to how much of a "good little girl" I am). Some mild amount of petting has been as naughty as I ever got, and that was years ago.
Hence, I can only conclude that either there are VERY small, perverted gnomes with potent, human-compatible sperm using my vagina for target practice while I sleep... or Something Very Important For Humanity has happened.
So, since I wish to be on the pre-emptive and getting in contact with the responsible party is only the proper thing to do, I write the following open letter:
Dear God (or Yahweh),
Hi there, it's been a while since we spoke.
I'll get straight to the point - now, while I am extremely flattered that you chose my imperfect self for the Second Coming of Your Son (or the first coming of your Messiah, assuming it's the Jews that are right), especially since I am but a humble agnostic and thus considered a heretic in many of your fan circles, I need to ask: Could you at least have let me know beforehand?
I'm not asking for anything fancy, just a note will do. I mean, you sent Gabriel, one of your top workers, to Mary. Or is this a service exclusive to Believers?
R.S.V.P.
Your friend,
Aurora
Anyway, since I'm not 100% sure and I want to cover all my bases, so here's a letter for that OTHER guy:
Dear Lucifer, aka Satan:
This shit ain't funny, yo.
Look, if I am going to be bearing your mockery of God's Son who will be bringing the End of Mankind, I better be getting some perks.
For starters, a painless childbirth and getting to keep my figure (Okay, so it's not a great figure, but I'd rather not be fatter than I already am. Also, no [more] stretch marks. I don't think this is asking for much.). Also, health benefits, such as not having to suffer ANY punishments in Hell when I die. I am willing to negotiate this particular a little by taking a job as a minor demon in your army who tortures the souls of the sinners (Preferences would be for the layer of Hell in which you keep the traitors/treacherous, or the layer where you keep the hypocrites, as they're the two groups that I'm least fond of.), but I should still get the benefits naturally-born demons get (As well as getting to go chat with the interesting folks in Limbo every once in a while. I'll consider that part of my vacation days.).
I also want my family and friends (Also non-suffering, they can negotiate their own contracts. Should any of them go to Heaven, they should be allowed some visitation rights - you'll need to discuss this with them and the G-man, though.), a healthy stock of animation/games/movies/books, a pool, and a golf cart.
And I want all of this IN WRITING. I know how sneaky you can be. You will be hearing from the one thing just as evil as you: my lawyers.*
Respond ASAP with some reasonable offers, or I will abort your precious Son of Evil.
Your friend only when I think the less-than-virtuous path is actually the sensible one,
Aurora
*[Okay, so that's not fair to my dad, who's like, the world's most un-evil lawyer. His species is probably considered an extreme rarity, though.]
It has been way longer than a week late. In fact, it is well on its way to two.
This has never happened before, so you can imagine I'm perplexed by this.
And I can say in all honesty that I have never, ever had sex (and other people can attest to how much of a "good little girl" I am). Some mild amount of petting has been as naughty as I ever got, and that was years ago.
Hence, I can only conclude that either there are VERY small, perverted gnomes with potent, human-compatible sperm using my vagina for target practice while I sleep... or Something Very Important For Humanity has happened.
So, since I wish to be on the pre-emptive and getting in contact with the responsible party is only the proper thing to do, I write the following open letter:
Dear God (or Yahweh),
Hi there, it's been a while since we spoke.
I'll get straight to the point - now, while I am extremely flattered that you chose my imperfect self for the Second Coming of Your Son (or the first coming of your Messiah, assuming it's the Jews that are right), especially since I am but a humble agnostic and thus considered a heretic in many of your fan circles, I need to ask: Could you at least have let me know beforehand?
I'm not asking for anything fancy, just a note will do. I mean, you sent Gabriel, one of your top workers, to Mary. Or is this a service exclusive to Believers?
R.S.V.P.
Your friend,
Aurora
Anyway, since I'm not 100% sure and I want to cover all my bases, so here's a letter for that OTHER guy:
Dear Lucifer, aka Satan:
This shit ain't funny, yo.
Look, if I am going to be bearing your mockery of God's Son who will be bringing the End of Mankind, I better be getting some perks.
For starters, a painless childbirth and getting to keep my figure (Okay, so it's not a great figure, but I'd rather not be fatter than I already am. Also, no [more] stretch marks. I don't think this is asking for much.). Also, health benefits, such as not having to suffer ANY punishments in Hell when I die. I am willing to negotiate this particular a little by taking a job as a minor demon in your army who tortures the souls of the sinners (Preferences would be for the layer of Hell in which you keep the traitors/treacherous, or the layer where you keep the hypocrites, as they're the two groups that I'm least fond of.), but I should still get the benefits naturally-born demons get (As well as getting to go chat with the interesting folks in Limbo every once in a while. I'll consider that part of my vacation days.).
I also want my family and friends (Also non-suffering, they can negotiate their own contracts. Should any of them go to Heaven, they should be allowed some visitation rights - you'll need to discuss this with them and the G-man, though.), a healthy stock of animation/games/movies/books, a pool, and a golf cart.
And I want all of this IN WRITING. I know how sneaky you can be. You will be hearing from the one thing just as evil as you: my lawyers.*
Respond ASAP with some reasonable offers, or I will abort your precious Son of Evil.
Your friend only when I think the less-than-virtuous path is actually the sensible one,
Aurora
*[Okay, so that's not fair to my dad, who's like, the world's most un-evil lawyer. His species is probably considered an extreme rarity, though.]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 08:06 am (UTC)Next time I see him, I'll deliver the message. (Which 'him'? hmmm ...)
I've never been the most 'regular' individual, buuuut ... my period gets seriously out-of-whack whenever I'm under a lot of stress - usually, it'll delay until I'm not stressed anymore. So, maybe it's that?
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 08:31 am (UTC)Other than that little fiasco, I haven't had much of anything to stress about. All my reasons to snark have been the usual. At least, that's what I think. And there haven't been any extreme changes to my usual diet, either. So it's pretty damn weird.
I think that I'll be dropping by the gynecologist and ask him about this if I still don't have my period by this weekend. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be something really bad
(other than the Antichrist issue that was addressed already, that is).no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 09:10 am (UTC)Either that, or some naughty shroom has been running over to fondle you at night. Ohoho~
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 12:39 pm (UTC)*Giggles uncontrollably at the golf cart part* See, this is why you're cool, Aurora. *giggles more*
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 01:59 pm (UTC)This is probably massively TMI, but I also have a very regular period, and when things start happening (late, early, shorter than normal) I start wigging out. (You'd think having a -short- period would be something to be HAPPY about, of course, but there goes my paranoia again.)
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 04:30 pm (UTC)Okay, then I should write a letter for them, too.
Dear Aliens,
That thing better NOT come out through my stomach and rip me apart.
I better NOT have a giant sattelite dish-sized anal probe implanted, either.
Sincerely,
Aurora, AKA Earthling Specimen #00385-B
Either that, or some naughty shroom has been running over to fondle you at night. Ohoho~
Dear Naughty Shroomy,
Silly boy, I'm a lot more fun when conscious. You should've waited.
Enclosed here is a box of thwackies and severe maimings for not adequately preventing the situation. The box has activated upon your reading of this letter. Enjoy.
Love,
Aurora
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 04:36 pm (UTC)You owe me a pot of gold for this, motherfucker.
Sincerely,
Aurora
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 05:05 pm (UTC)First off, that's what every perverted gnome living in a girl's pants claims about their victims. You guys get so involved in your little fantasies you forget what was real and what wasn't.
Secondly, I was not aware you were a fully functional gnome of both genders! Wow, that's pretty amazing. How common are your kind amongst gnomes?
Lastly, I am still rightfully entitled to that pot of gold, you deadbeat. I am already conctacting the Halfling Child Support Authorities about this. YOU WILL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS.
Sincerely,
Aurora
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 05:11 pm (UTC)You can come and suck the white gold out of me, bitch.
Sincerely,
The Perverted Fire-Wielding Gnome Who Used Your Vagina For Target Practice
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 05:21 pm (UTC)There aren't a whole lot of us named Perverted Fire-Wielding Gnome Who Used Your Vagina For Target Practice unless you mean that damn Redundant Light-Wielding Gnome Who Used Your Vagina For Target Practice from Accounting.
And yes, I am a fully functional gnome of both genders when I wish to be as we gnomes believe in the theory that you can do anything you wish to do if you wish to do to it. Which also means I'm converted you to bisexuality if you are not such already.
Finally, technically, the child is entitled to the pot of gold while you, as the mother, are entitled to holy matrimony to the father as it is written in the gnomish Chronicles of Random Target Practice sessions but would it not be in the child's best interest to live a healthy life with two loving parents?
Sincerely,
The Perverted Fire-Wielding Gnome Who Used Your Vagina For Target Practice
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 11:43 pm (UTC)My periods tend to be pretty heavy, and yet surprisingly last quite a few days (around 5, though sometimes it's made it to 7). Not even the loss of one ovary (and I think a small part of the other, but I don't recall too well) back when they removed that cyst from me at the beginning of 9th grade seems to have affected that a bit.
So, either that ovary left is working some serious overtime, or I am a ridiculously fertile woman. Scary. o_o;;
no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 11:47 pm (UTC)And how would you write that letter? :P
no subject
Date: 2003-05-22 07:24 am (UTC)*cue hysterical laugh track*
no subject
Date: 2003-05-22 11:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-22 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-22 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-22 08:29 pm (UTC)[coughs up 36 EXP and 2 gold]
Hmm, from Mongy's testicles to Ruru's period, people seem to reply to the strangest LJ posts...
>D
Date: 2003-05-26 04:29 pm (UTC)Ruaki-chan!~