aruru | Salvation or Apocalypse?

Okay, so I have this sudden need to LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW that I have a very, VERY regular period. It's like clockwork - it even has a regular hour of the day to show up in. When it's either a bit early or a bit late, the most it takes is usually way less than a week. ~~(I would also boast that I rarely cramp, and even then it is not too painful, but that would earn me the hatred of several of my dear friends.)~~

It has been way longer than a week late. In fact, it is well on its way to two.

This has never happened before, so you can imagine I'm perplexed by this.

And I can say in all honesty that I have never, ever had sex (and other people can attest to how much of a "good little girl" I am). Some mild amount of petting has been as naughty as I ever got, and that was years ago.

Hence, I can only conclude that either there are VERY small, perverted gnomes with potent, human-compatible sperm using my vagina for target practice while I sleep... or Something Very Important For Humanity has happened.

So, since I wish to be on the pre-emptive and getting in contact with the responsible party is only the proper thing to do, I write the following open letter:

Dear God (or Yahweh),

Hi there, it's been a while since we spoke.

I'll get straight to the point - now, while I am extremely flattered that you chose my imperfect self for the Second Coming of Your Son (or the first coming of your Messiah, assuming it's the Jews that are right), especially since I am but a humble agnostic and thus considered a heretic in many of your fan circles, I need to ask: Could you at least have let me know beforehand?

I'm not asking for anything fancy, just a note will do. I mean, you sent Gabriel, one of your top workers, to Mary. Or is this a service exclusive to Believers?

R.S.V.P.

Your friend,
Aurora

Anyway, since I'm not 100% sure and I want to cover all my bases, so here's a letter for that OTHER guy:

Dear Lucifer, aka Satan:

This shit ain't funny, yo.

Look, if I am going to be bearing your mockery of God's Son who will be bringing the End of Mankind, I better be getting some perks.

For starters, a painless childbirth and getting to keep my figure (Okay, so it's not a great figure, but I'd rather not be fatter than I already am. Also, no [more] stretch marks. I don't think this is asking for much.). Also, health benefits, such as not having to suffer ANY punishments in Hell when I die. I am willing to negotiate this particular a little by taking a job as a minor demon in your army who tortures the souls of the sinners (Preferences would be for the layer of Hell in which you keep the traitors/treacherous, or the layer where you keep the hypocrites, as they're the two groups that I'm least fond of.), but I should still get the benefits naturally-born demons get (As well as getting to go chat with the interesting folks in Limbo every once in a while. I'll consider that part of my vacation days.).

I also want my family and friends (Also non-suffering, they can negotiate their own contracts. Should any of them go to Heaven, they should be allowed some visitation rights - you'll need to discuss this with them and the G-man, though.), a healthy stock of animation/games/movies/books, a pool, and a golf cart.

And I want all of this IN WRITING. I know how sneaky you can be. You will be hearing from the one thing just as evil as you: my lawyers.*

Respond ASAP with some reasonable offers, or I will abort your precious Son of Evil.

Your friend only when I think the less-than-virtuous path is actually the sensible one,
Aurora

*[Okay, so that's not fair to my dad, who's like, the world's most un-evil lawyer. His species is probably considered an extreme rarity, though.]